Ive been really down the last couple of weeks. my wife wrecked my car, which is no big noone got hurt-but now i got this new car which really is nothing like my old one. i miss it a lot. also ive been dealing with the outright gayness of my platoon. i got sent to guard duty which in itself is actually an enjoyable experience-however theres always one person who has to go and fuck it up and apparently every single one of those mother fuckers were on my guard team.

so two months of that ordeal went by and im back with my regular platoon. still set to pump out in November. the shit is getting real we are getting machine gun crews, combat lifesavers, corpsman, all sorts of craziness. but since i was attached to another unit for two months i dont know where i fit in this whole plan. im just lost in the sauce, and its pretty discouraging.

that sentiment though, it permeates through all aspects of my life. it feels like im not wanted or needed anywhere. i feel like a 3rd wheel on a unicycle and a flat one at that-utterly useless. noone really knows how to help and im not going to pay a shrink for these small problems, but from what ive seen, the smallest pebble can take down the biggest man if left in the right spot.

i should stop bitching but im very lonely. my wife is here and shes great, but this is a void i dont know how to fill. i dont have a vice like the others do i dont drink or smoke or anything like that so im stone cold sober all the time and cant hide from my reality. i wouldnt want to either it would make it just that much worse when you come down off your buzz to realize your life still sucks that bad.

i dont even know where this all came from. i think it was because i was looking at my wife and im so thankfull i have her. but i also thought about all the girls i had to go through to finally pick a winner. i think thats where my sadness lies. women are my vice....

one in particular and everyone knows who.

its been years and i have gotten my shit together and passed through but i havent moved on. i cant even tell anyone anything because noone wants to listen, there are more important matters than listening to me, theyve shown me that. i dont miss her, that ship sailed during my long dark cold walk home. i just need closure, i need to know the truth about so many things.

there are 4 years of my life centered around lies!

thats spirit crushing at the least. infidelity, betrayal, and deception were the mainstays of that debacle and the wounds have never healed. it was the aftermath as well that did and continues to this day to reopen and salt my wounds. i lost everything, time, money, a lot of friends, and the girl i thought i was going to grow old with. all for reasons to this day i still dont understand. its hard to do anything back home without being reminded of that sorry affair.

i dont even want to go back home when i get out, if i get out, of the marines. theres nothing for me there, she salted the earth of my personal relationships so that nothing could ever grow again. i catch a few weeds every now and then, but no flowers to call my own.

good friends just up and left, why? what would motivate someone to betray another?

i find myself contemplating if i really am that horrible of a person where im an expendable asset because while im usefull im in high demand but as soon as something better comes along or my usefullness has ended i get the mush and fall by the wayside.

im just venting. it feels good. i havent used xanga in a while and i remember why we used it in the first place.

i hate you for what you did and continue to do to me, but theres no point in crying for someone who wont cry for you.

honest words.